Moving On
by Aearombereth
Summary: How Harry moves on after the war.


The impasse.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter.

**Author's note**: Reviews are appreciated.

~o0o~

The sun was setting down on the distant horizon, the last pink and orange rays illuminating the sky beautifully before the inevitable darkness of the night. Many trees from forbidden forest were flattened because of the giants in the war. Still there were enough trees to make the scene in front Harry astonishingly beautiful. The way the sun rays lingered on the calm surface of the lake made it seem almost as if they didn't want to leave his company. Just like the people surrounding him. The overjoyed ones, the sympathetic ones and the ones that expected him to listen to their sorrows and worries and sooth their cares. Sometimes it made him wonder if these people thought that perhaps with enough coaxing the golden boy might do some unrealistic magic to bring their loved ones back. If they thought so then they were very close to the truth. He could bring them back from their eternal peace. He could force them to be there with him. Merlin knew he was tempted to take a stroll through the forest just to get that precious stone back. But a voice in the back of his mind stopped him. Always repeating the words from the tale and adding its own wisdom 'they won't be real, only little more than ghosts just the way the happiness of his victory was'.

He watched as the rays of the sun slowly retreated back, just the way he wanted the people surrounding him to. He didn't want to listen to them, he didn't want addition in his sorrow by listening to their stories, and he didn't want the victory that came with so much loss. He just wanted to be alone. To watch the beauty of the nature that seemed so oblivious to what happened to its habitants. Or rather what its habitats forced to happen.

The war.

It was not over. It was there in his memories. It was there in his nightmares. It was there in the haunted eyes of Dennis. It was there in the scars of Lavender. It was there in the struggle in George's eyes; struggle to hold on to his sanity. Most of all it was in his desperation to make himself forget it all but the more he tried the more it came back to haunt him.

Every person he cared for was hurt or dead. Every place he loved had now a bitterness of old memories about it. Every subject his thoughts touched had a tint of darkness to it. Gone were the days when he had thought of Quidditch and Hogsmede trips with equal eagerness as that of the demise of the dark lord. Now his every thought accompanied a memory of someone dead thereby bringing back everything he fought to forget. Sometimes he wondered if he should just obliviate himself. That would be the ultimate relief. The blankness he would trade anything for. To just forget it all and believe that world was always the peaceful place the ministry promised it would be now. But deep down he knew it won't work. No doubt it will erase his memories but the spell can't erase your feelings. And the feelings were as taunting as the memories. The feeling of helplessness he felt on Astronomy tower, the dread and emptiness he felt in the forest almost like the caged feeling he felt when he thought about the private drive would still be unbearable.

This knowledge always held him back. That and Hermione's continuous watch.

"Harry, come inside. It's almost curfew time now." Hermione says in a tentative voice, as if her mere words might break him or enrage him beyond control. She had been acting like that since the end of the war. The same tentative voice she had used when she informed him of his broken wand gave him the feeling like she was expecting some sort of explosion from him. As if it was only a matter of time before he did something that might be the final blow to his sanity.

He just nodded silently before taking his invisibility cloak and heading towards the almost repaired castle. Every class room is now just like it was before the war. The staircases are also repaired. The only thing that is still a ruin is the Astronomy Tower. Harry wishes it to remain that way. It symbolizes the state of the Hogwarts in more than one way. The school will never be the same again. Deep down Harry knows that the school was no more his home since the end of the sixth year. The hollowness left because of the death of his constant guardian could never be filled. Hogwarts simply wasn't the same anymore. He doubted that the school will ever be as flawless as it was once. He didn't see it as a possibility in near future at least. There were too many bad memories for people to just forget like that.

As they entered the main gate Harry's gaze as usual fell on the new decoration. The governors had decided to honor the martyrs by blending their statues in Hogwarts walls. Almost every inch of walls of the entrance Hall was showing a carving of some war hero. While it was a good gesture, Harry wished they hadn't done it. Not when he was still there, not when every time his gaze fell on them he would relive the moments of their death.

It was the prize they had paid for their current freedom. Almost every member from Order adorned the walls of Hogwarts now. But the most intriguing of them was of course that of the old warlock. Every time he looked at the statue he felt the urge to go back in time to stop him from touching the ring. Every time he saw the understanding smile on the face of the statue he felt the urge to run to the head-mistress's office, hoping to see him there. Every time he saw the twinkle in those piercing blue eyes he felt guilty for ever being angry with the person. It was too perfectly carved, too close to reality to be pleasant. He averted his gaze from it with difficulty to walk silently beside Hermione.

Harry wanted to forget everything and everyone wanted to make people remember the sacrifices. The world and Harry had come to an impasse.

~o0o~

"Harry?" A voice broke through the silence of his mind that he had fought all the evening to find. The blankness he had almost achieved threatened to break so Harry ignored the voice.

"Harry, mate?" Ron's persistent voice once again came to him from the darkness.

"Yes Ron?" Harry said, reluctantly turning from the window to look in the darkness of his dorm.

"Do you er mind if we take a walk now?" Ron's voice was hesitant now. Harry wondered if Hermione had asked him to do this but it didn't matter anyway.

"No Ron" Harry answered almost immediately. He could almost see Ron moving uncomfortably to find some words.

"Mate we need to talk." He said finally.

"I am listening" Harry replied turning once again to gaze at the distant moon.

"Mate you need to stop this." Ron said finally, it seems, giving up on getting some better response from Harry.

"Stop what?" Harry asks distractedly as he fights not to think about Ron and ultimately Fred's death. He struggles to keep his thoughts on something innocent. Like butterflies.

"This, avoiding everyone, thinking to yourself all the time." Ron's voice had more determination now. Harry started to his theory of Hermione's involvement.

"I am not avoiding anyone Ron." Harry answered, his words sounding like a lie even to his own ears.

There was it again. An impasse. Harry had learned that denying the cause of some discussion will help him more than hollow words of assurances of trying harder. Ron's sigh announces his defeat as Harry had expected.

"Mate, nothing good is going to come out of this. You should accept that none of the deaths were your fault." Yes Butterflies and the way they hovered over flowers. It was beautiful just the way the Christmas fairies looked hovering on the Christmas tree.

Harry heard the creak of Ron's bed as he once again admits defeat when Harry doesn't answer. But he has shattered peace of Harry's mind once again. Sighing deeply Harry submits himself to one more sleepless night as the ghosts of the nightmares slowly enter his mind.

~o0o~


End file.
